23: Epilogue

A life liberated

Before I properly begin, I apologize for the delay in writing this. As it turns out, I came down with COVID. It was like a bad flu, then hung on with a nasty cough and brain fog. Overall, it was close to 17 days before I could properly function. However, I never felt like I needed medical attention, as the symptoms were able to be managed. After that, I attended a worship conference at the invitation of a leader in my church.

The last episode ended with me walking out of prison as my wife pulled up in our SUV. Today’s entry will provide a broad stroke of how I’m attempting to move forward in the midst of this. Hopefully some of these words will be helpful to those of you who may be facing the need to start over because of Jan 6, or, frankly, any other persecution.

Identity

The very real problem that I face and have faced is the raw cold hard truth of a public identity that has been forever altered. If someone had put my name into a search engine in December, 2020, that person would see that I was an accomplished CEO, served on numerous industry boards, and had been quoted in industry press. My most recent speeches, podcasts, and articles would be sprinkled throughout. Going a little further, one might see an article from a local charity where my foundation had played a role. Further down, one would find an archive of my time as President of my church congregation, and perhaps some writeups of my trips to South Africa. This is the full (maybe too full) life and profile I enjoyed.

My digital identity now, in a search engine, is nothing but a bunch of high-profile media outlets slamming me, showing my face as I poked out of my front door on Jan 7th, perhaps a wiki-bio that has no real information, and a bunch of other trash news outlets re-printing the articles from the first news outlets. Pair this with the fact that I lost my company because of politics. My company moved quickly to erase my memory completely from the company I founded. Talk about being cancelled.

Every move I would make going forward would require me to address the current, bullshit narrative rather than who I am. It would define what options would be open to me, and what ones would not. There are no words. Infiltrate the Capitol, run a psy-op to get innocents like me to walk through an open door, and ruin our identity.

Insight

I was not a part of any visible activity prior to Jan 6. There are some, such as Brandon Straka and Simone Gold, who were active political influencers. I have met Brandon personally at two of his earliest rally events, and have the upmost respect for him. I have not met Dr. Gold, but she has been quite instrumental and vocal during the pandemic.

Both of them were public figures in “the movement”. When they emerged from their persecution, the platform and identity that they had before being charged and sentenced was still available to them. There is no way that it was acceptable what happened to them (or me, or anyone else caught up in this). However, the brand that they have created allowed this to be part of that identity. It’s still not easy for anyone, but their prior visibility gave them the ability to continue in the directions they had been going beforehand. That is a blessing. I do not have that. Most others do not have that.

Time for healing

I was in shock coming home from Milan. It was time for me to now begin a process of rest, restoration, contemplation, renewal, and rebirth. If that all sounds hokey, I will say that I thought I could finally attend to healing, first and foremost. The anger that I feel can come through at any moment, at any time. I won’t say like PTSD because that’s not to be taken lightly, but the parallel of not knowing what is going to trigger anger is real. I took a lot of long drives, often starting out angry. I would listen to a wide variety of podcasts and music. It could take me 2 hours to settle down.

I would take walks with my dog. My wife, daughter, and I continued reading the bible together daily, almost every morning. This was a great comfort, and brought us together in a way nothing else has.

I tried to approach some relationships that were broken. Some worked out, some are still healing. Forgiveness can be amazing. I’ve learned that it is a gift. No one earns forgiveness fully. It is given as a precious gift to heal a broken relationship. There are some that I am still working through. I need to be authentic, and I believe I will, with God’s grace and mercy, be able to offer forgiveness to many who may never ask.

I also knew there was no more waiting for X, Y, or Z to happen. It’s all done. Time to figure out what the future would hold.

The Trip

To help with my re-entry, I signed up as a volunteer for a men’s retreat I had attended the prior year, at the urging of a close friend who runs the organization. I had a training session to attend in Denver on a Sunday night. My wife and I decided to make a trip of it, so we planned to drive from Chicago, see our daughter from Minnesota, see Wyoming, go to Denver, see Moab, Utah (one of my favorite places), and end up in Scottsdale, Arizona for some R&R.

I’ll give you the short story (although I’ve got a great monologue rehearsed for the longer version!). We saw my daughter and her beau in Sioux Falls, SD for dinner. Had a great time! The next day, we wandered our way to Wall Drugs, where the temp had dropped over 40 degrees from when we started the day. As we moved forward, all of a sudden there were inches of snow, a firetruck in a ditch, and hours behind a snow plow. We changed plans. The next day, being behind in our trip, started out ok. However, there were closed roads that prevented us from making up time. In fact, we had to backtrack to Nebraska rather than end up in Denver.

I attended training via Zoom from a hotel room. A call I could have taken from my house.

The next morning we worked our way through Colorado. By mid-afternoon, we were heading spritely towards Moab, UT. We were in a part of the road with mountains on both sides. I was driving at the time. A boulder, about the size of a basketball and perhaps 30 pounds or so, flew off of a mountain, through the air, and connected perfectly with the windshield of our car, 15 inches from my head. It was a direct hit on the driver’s side, not hitting the hood or frame of the car. The boulder bounced off of our windshield. The glass cracked, but did not fully break on impact.

We were silent. While our collective formal physics education was limited, we have come to understand the laws of nature pretty well through our 30 years of marriage. By all of such understanding, I should be dead because a heavy boulder went through my windshield at a tremendous velocity. Perhaps God was telling me that I should know He can take me out whenever He would like, but it is not my time yet!

A few miles later, our passenger side tire blew, most likely because of something related to the boulder. We needed to find a place to pull over, but there was very little shoulder to work with. I stopped, got the spare tire, and began working. A big road truck, with two workers, pulled up behind us. One of them managed traffic while the other one worked with me, and told us where we could find a Discount Tire. So God sent angels too.

The rest of the trip involved replacing the tire, cutting our Moab trip short, but enjoying the heck out of Scottsdale. We met a business acquaintance of mine who has been a big supporter, and his wife, for a nice brunch at our resort. Everything else was fine, and we made our way home.

Still kicking

It was time to get things moving forward. I didn’t know what I would ultimately end up doing, but, as a type-A, I had to do something. So, I let loose in several directions:

• I have been working on my technical skills. Although I spent years as a CEO, I also enjoy hacking. I’ve started a website to track Jan 6 legal activities, for example: Watchpost Analytics

• I’ve been informally consulting with my friend who runs a non-profit. There may be an opportunity to be the executive director.

• There are several opportunities to support prison ministry, all of which I am exploring.

• The conservative movement may have need of someone with my experience, especially if censorship continues to increase. However, most traditional conservative organizations still see Jan 6 as toxic, and they are weak with no backbone.

• I’ve begun playing in my church’s contemporary worship service, and recently attended a conference where I enjoyed getting back into songwriting.

Challenges

Due to interest from a friend, I had an opportunity to engage with 1 (or more) higher-education institutions in the Chicago area as a lecturer. As an accomplished business owner and data scientist, it is a combination that is sought after right now in academia. The institutions, after agreeing that my credentials are what they are looking for, were given the search results of my name. I thought this is only fair. While not individually concerned, there was concern that their institutions would have a problem with retaliation in today’s culture. Perhaps in a year, they said, when things die down. We will see.

There have been other opportunities that I chose not to pursue because I knew this would be a recurring problem. No need to go through a process where I knew the ending.

Some SEO (search-engine-optimization) organizations say they will generate content that would push the bad items off of the first page of search, but there is no guarantee, and the fee was almost six figures and would take 12 months. No thanks.

A Life Liberated

So, I don’t know what lies ahead for me. The bible shows example after example of where God must tear down, completely, before He builds up. Maybe we are unable to pay attention to God fully until He physically removes us from our current reality. I didn’t exactly know how I was going to cleanly exit my business. Solved. No more time distractions. No more concerns of things not related to Him.

I have spent six months now preparing. Opportunities, I can see, are starting to come my way. Some doors may be forever closed. Others, unexpectedly, will open. My life is now on an expedition where I can explore whatever comes my way. I can offer up my time and expertise to entities that align with my values. Perhaps I’ll build a marketing powerhouse again. Maybe I’ll focus on helping the hurting young men in our society who have been largely bruised and forgotten.

Regardless of what it is, I am at peace. Finally. It’s taken a lot of pain. One by one, things I knew and understood were turned upside down. I never knew what would happen the next day. I have persevered. I have rested. I have prepared. I will now live a life worthy of the sacrifices I and my family have made. And I will continue to support my fellow Jan 6ers where possible. We have lost several patriots in this fight. I pray we lose no more, and that this injustice is brought to light so all Americans can see. God Bless you all.

Psalm 31: In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

1 In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
    let me never be put to shame;
    in your righteousness deliver me!
2 Incline your ear to me;
    rescue me speedily!
Be a rock of refuge for me,
    a strong fortress to save me!

3 For you are my rock and my fortress;
    and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;
4 you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
    for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hand I commit my spirit;
    you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God.

6 I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
    but I trust in the Lord.
7 I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
    because you have seen my affliction;
    you have known the distress of my soul,
8 and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
    you have set my feet in a broad place.

9 Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
    my eye is wasted from grief;
    my soul and my body also.
10 For my life is spent with sorrow,
    and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
    and my bones waste away.

11 Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,
    especially to my neighbors,
and an object of dread to my acquaintances;
    those who see me in the street flee from me.
12 I have been forgotten like one who is dead;
    I have become like a broken vessel.
13 For I hear the whispering of many—
    terror on every side!—
as they scheme together against me,
    as they plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, O Lord;
    I say, “You are my God.”
15 My times are in your hand;
    rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!
16 Make your face shine on your servant;
    save me in your steadfast love!
17 O Lord, let me not be put to shame,
    for I call upon you;
let the wicked be put to shame;
    let them go silently to Sheol.
18 Let the lying lips be mute,
    which speak insolently against the righteous
    in pride and contempt.

19 Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
    which you have stored up for those who fear you
and worked for those who take refuge in you,
    in the sight of the children of mankind!
20 In the cover of your presence you hide them
    from the plots of men;
you store them in your shelter
    from the strife of tongues.

21 Blessed be the Lord,
    for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
    when I was in a besieged city.
22 I had said in my alarm,
    “I am cut off from your sight.”
But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
    when I cried to you for help.

23 Love the Lord, all you his saints!
    The Lord preserves the faithful
    but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
24 Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
    all you who wait for the Lord!